It's been only a blink of eye and we are approaching the fourth month of the year. Just a while ago, I remembered me being so excited for CNY. Time is so merciless.
I have not been enjoying work. My mentor at work left, and I am all alone to swim in the sea. I do not blame her for bringing in me into this company and then leaving, just like that. But I do know where my strengths are. I am well-aware of my own capabilities and weaknesses. My swimming skills are not strong enough to swim in this big sea. So, I am gonna embark into another job searching journey. Still in search of a 'perfect' job. At least a job which I feel comfortable in.
Just a few days ago, my mum told me that my grandfather (father side) has been in and out of hospital in Malaysia. After all the divorce drama, I haven not been contacting any relatives from my father side. She asked, if he goes, will I attend his funeral? I told her yes I will. I knew she wouldn't be too happy to hear my answer. But I was just being honest. I can't run away from the fact that I am his granddaughter, so is my brothers his grandson. In any case, we are still related by blood. I jolly well know that I will see my father, after being separated from his for 4 years. It hurts to realize that it's been 4 years since I last saw my father. I was close to my father. But of course, I explained to my mum in such a way that it is to prevent my relatives from accusing us of being not filial and to take this opportunity to break away from work. Sad isn't it, when truth is hidden by the untruth.
Ever since my parents divorce, I have been extremely reluctant to go into all details of what had drama-mama that had happened. I hate to revisit what had left me traumatized, hurt and upset for the longest time. However, as the saying goes, time heals. My grandfather did not say the nicest things to us when my parents were going through the divorce. His words pierced through our hearts just like how a spear would. To think, since the divorce, his health has deteriorated. I wonder, what will his feelings be if he knew that we visited him.
****
There has been so many things which I really wish to write in here. Self, family, friends, work, boyfriend, money, school and etc. But many a times, I will just stop myself. Is it the reluctance to face what is happening, or is it just pure laziness? I don't know. It is just an unknown force that is always stopping me. Is it the fear of displaying my weaknesses towards the public? Is it the unwillingness to allow other people to know my weaknesses for fear that they would take advantage? Is it because I will feel insecure of having my weaknesses exposed?
I've been trying to deal with my fluctuating emotions. It was so bad that Ah Mu Mu noticed and suggested me to see a doctor. Have I mentioned it way before that I felt I needed to see a shrink? It was okay one moment and not okay another moment. It's crazy and exhausting. I've always thought that I will always be in control and it's not the case. I always refuse to admit that I am weak and not capable enough. Denial much? You know Black Swan? When I watched it I could totally relate and feel for her. It feels almost like I am in that movie. The devil and the angel, always battling, always struggling. Am just waiting for the day for the winner to emerge.
For now, the Earth still spins and life goes on.
3/23/2011 12:53:00 am