Sometimes I really hate myself for being so angsty, insistent or even stubborn you may call it.
I can't help me. I really can't. It is just things that I feel that it is significant to me, but insignificant to others. I feel people do not understand the reason why things happen. How it will affect the future, the people whom I love and myself.
Does that make me sound like a fucking whiny bitch who always takes things so hard?
No, I feel that I am just thinking ahead, to prevent things which I foresee happening, and usually it happens. If I do not prevent it.
Then, I'll fuck myself in my head on why I had allow it to happen. Why do I not try harder to prevent it?
Is it me trying too hard in everything, to make it work to make it right. Then, it gets on the nerves of other people?
I hate to regret, I refuse to regret. Regret is one fucking word that I do not allow to eat me up. Because I always believe in life goes on. One day, if I regret something, I know I'll fuck myself in my own head all overall.
Of course there are always things we can't control. But as much as I can, I would want to control. But I know there are limit to my capabilities. And if I know I have tried my best to control and yet things happen, I know, I will not regret.
Why can't people understand? Or maybe I should understand them? If it is so easy, so clear, this world wouldn't even be a world.
Perhaps, I should let myself float, and let the current take me to wherever they go.
Fuck. I hate myself much.
11/05/2010 12:15:00 am
I just realized that my birthday is exactly one week away! Good thing is that I will have a long weekend! But I'll be at work on the actual day because I am still under probation.
They say, once a person is over 21 years old, time will whiz past at almost the speed of light. Ok la, exaggerating, but still it would mean that I am getting older, so much things that I can do and cannot do. So much things that I will have to deal with.
When come to think about time, I grow older, so will the people around me. Which would also mean that people around me will be gone quicker, or may I will be gone before them. Then, I think about my mum, my dad, my grandparents. It will come to a point of time which I will have to deal with death. Not too sure how am I gonna deal with it, but I know I have to. Never like death. So emo. =(
Back to my birthday, can I have a wish list pretty please????
It is in the order of what I want most. Nothing over top. HEHE!
1) Panasonic Lumix LX5
2) A better pillow for my ever so problematic neck.
3) A room revamped
4) A Polaroid camera? But I do not want so bulky one
5) Ink
6) .... can't think of any right now.
Will update again soon!
11/01/2010 11:34:00 am