Living
Live and let live.
3/24/2011 09:21:00 pm
Life Death You Me
It's been only a blink of eye and we are approaching the fourth month of the year. Just a while ago, I remembered me being so excited for CNY. Time is so merciless.
I have not been enjoying work. My mentor at work left, and I am all alone to swim in the sea. I do not blame her for bringing in me into this company and then leaving, just like that. But I do know where my strengths are. I am well-aware of my own capabilities and weaknesses. My swimming skills are not strong enough to swim in this big sea. So, I am gonna embark into another job searching journey. Still in search of a 'perfect' job. At least a job which I feel comfortable in.
Just a few days ago, my mum told me that my grandfather (father side) has been in and out of hospital in Malaysia. After all the divorce drama, I haven not been contacting any relatives from my father side. She asked, if he goes, will I attend his funeral? I told her yes I will. I knew she wouldn't be too happy to hear my answer. But I was just being honest. I can't run away from the fact that I am his granddaughter, so is my brothers his grandson. In any case, we are still related by blood. I jolly well know that I will see my father, after being separated from his for 4 years. It hurts to realize that it's been 4 years since I last saw my father. I was close to my father. But of course, I explained to my mum in such a way that it is to prevent my relatives from accusing us of being not filial and to take this opportunity to break away from work. Sad isn't it, when truth is hidden by the untruth.
Ever since my parents divorce, I have been extremely reluctant to go into all details of what had drama-mama that had happened. I hate to revisit what had left me traumatized, hurt and upset for the longest time. However, as the saying goes, time heals. My grandfather did not say the nicest things to us when my parents were going through the divorce. His words pierced through our hearts just like how a spear would. To think, since the divorce, his health has deteriorated. I wonder, what will his feelings be if he knew that we visited him.
****
There has been so many things which I really wish to write in here. Self, family, friends, work, boyfriend, money, school and etc. But many a times, I will just stop myself. Is it the reluctance to face what is happening, or is it just pure laziness? I don't know. It is just an unknown force that is always stopping me. Is it the fear of displaying my weaknesses towards the public? Is it the unwillingness to allow other people to know my weaknesses for fear that they would take advantage? Is it because I will feel insecure of having my weaknesses exposed?
I've been trying to deal with my fluctuating emotions. It was so bad that Ah Mu Mu noticed and suggested me to see a doctor. Have I mentioned it way before that I felt I needed to see a shrink? It was okay one moment and not okay another moment. It's crazy and exhausting. I've always thought that I will always be in control and it's not the case. I always refuse to admit that I am weak and not capable enough. Denial much? You know Black Swan? When I watched it I could totally relate and feel for her. It feels almost like I am in that movie. The devil and the angel, always battling, always struggling. Am just waiting for the day for the winner to emerge.
For now, the Earth still spins and life goes on.
I have not been enjoying work. My mentor at work left, and I am all alone to swim in the sea. I do not blame her for bringing in me into this company and then leaving, just like that. But I do know where my strengths are. I am well-aware of my own capabilities and weaknesses. My swimming skills are not strong enough to swim in this big sea. So, I am gonna embark into another job searching journey. Still in search of a 'perfect' job. At least a job which I feel comfortable in.
Just a few days ago, my mum told me that my grandfather (father side) has been in and out of hospital in Malaysia. After all the divorce drama, I haven not been contacting any relatives from my father side. She asked, if he goes, will I attend his funeral? I told her yes I will. I knew she wouldn't be too happy to hear my answer. But I was just being honest. I can't run away from the fact that I am his granddaughter, so is my brothers his grandson. In any case, we are still related by blood. I jolly well know that I will see my father, after being separated from his for 4 years. It hurts to realize that it's been 4 years since I last saw my father. I was close to my father. But of course, I explained to my mum in such a way that it is to prevent my relatives from accusing us of being not filial and to take this opportunity to break away from work. Sad isn't it, when truth is hidden by the untruth.
Ever since my parents divorce, I have been extremely reluctant to go into all details of what had drama-mama that had happened. I hate to revisit what had left me traumatized, hurt and upset for the longest time. However, as the saying goes, time heals. My grandfather did not say the nicest things to us when my parents were going through the divorce. His words pierced through our hearts just like how a spear would. To think, since the divorce, his health has deteriorated. I wonder, what will his feelings be if he knew that we visited him.
****
There has been so many things which I really wish to write in here. Self, family, friends, work, boyfriend, money, school and etc. But many a times, I will just stop myself. Is it the reluctance to face what is happening, or is it just pure laziness? I don't know. It is just an unknown force that is always stopping me. Is it the fear of displaying my weaknesses towards the public? Is it the unwillingness to allow other people to know my weaknesses for fear that they would take advantage? Is it because I will feel insecure of having my weaknesses exposed?
I've been trying to deal with my fluctuating emotions. It was so bad that Ah Mu Mu noticed and suggested me to see a doctor. Have I mentioned it way before that I felt I needed to see a shrink? It was okay one moment and not okay another moment. It's crazy and exhausting. I've always thought that I will always be in control and it's not the case. I always refuse to admit that I am weak and not capable enough. Denial much? You know Black Swan? When I watched it I could totally relate and feel for her. It feels almost like I am in that movie. The devil and the angel, always battling, always struggling. Am just waiting for the day for the winner to emerge.
For now, the Earth still spins and life goes on.
3/23/2011 12:53:00 am
Happy Chinese New Year!
I am now on my way to Golden Mile to take coach back to Malaysia! Am so looking forward because I get to see all my relatives, drink and eat like crazy and most importantly, Ah Mu Mu will be coming to see me on Thursday!
I hate to spend my CNY in Singapore because the atmosphere cannot be compared to Malaysia. I also take this a chance as a get away, to relax, clear my mind and then refocus. I love it when I allow these things to happen.
Anyway, on the 13th Feb as per usual tradition, my clique will be coming to my house for steamboat! Am so looking forward too!
This is sucha happy post and I wish all these happy stuffs will not come to an end so soon.
Meanwhile, enjoy your CNY everyone! Much loves!
This is the number of bags we are bringing back to Malaysia. There is three of us going back and there are seven bags. Lol!
I hate to spend my CNY in Singapore because the atmosphere cannot be compared to Malaysia. I also take this a chance as a get away, to relax, clear my mind and then refocus. I love it when I allow these things to happen.
Anyway, on the 13th Feb as per usual tradition, my clique will be coming to my house for steamboat! Am so looking forward too!
This is sucha happy post and I wish all these happy stuffs will not come to an end so soon.
Meanwhile, enjoy your CNY everyone! Much loves!
This is the number of bags we are bringing back to Malaysia. There is three of us going back and there are seven bags. Lol!
2/01/2011 11:07:00 pm
It's gonna be CNY!
Harrow people! I suddenly remembered I still have a blog lying around and decided to update it.
There is so much thoughts running in my head that I do not know where I should start from.
Life's been great so far. I mean, minus the unhappiness at work and relationship. I guess those unhappiness come and go so I do not think it is something worth dwelling over. Other than that, it's just school that is eating my time. For this trimester I have no friends. All my usual clique are in other classes. Damn upset. I miss them, I really do. Because we work so well with each other, we know each other's strength and flaws. It is rare to find classmates who have such great chemistry with each other. Sigh.. it's sucha pity. Now that there are new classmates, all the above will have to be reworked.
At this point of my life, things have stabilised pretty much. So I guess I need to spend some time with myself to get organized, rework my goals and objectives and start planning. Seriously. I missed out working on my resolution for the new year and I shall do it now. Fuck those unrealistic dreams.
Resolution for 2011
****
Oh my god. I need to ramble. You know Strait Times is having so many advertisements that are pissing me off? I am always in a rush in a morning and sometimes I will just flip through the papers or just look at the front page for the main headline. But now, THERE ARE HUGE ASS ADVERTISEMENTS COVERNG THE FRONT PAGE! FML! How annoying is that! I just want to take a glimpse without having to flip and now I can't! Damnit! Totally turn off so I stop reading Strait Times. Thank god there is channelnewsasia.com. HAHA!
Love to all my friends!
There is so much thoughts running in my head that I do not know where I should start from.
Life's been great so far. I mean, minus the unhappiness at work and relationship. I guess those unhappiness come and go so I do not think it is something worth dwelling over. Other than that, it's just school that is eating my time. For this trimester I have no friends. All my usual clique are in other classes. Damn upset. I miss them, I really do. Because we work so well with each other, we know each other's strength and flaws. It is rare to find classmates who have such great chemistry with each other. Sigh.. it's sucha pity. Now that there are new classmates, all the above will have to be reworked.
At this point of my life, things have stabilised pretty much. So I guess I need to spend some time with myself to get organized, rework my goals and objectives and start planning. Seriously. I missed out working on my resolution for the new year and I shall do it now. Fuck those unrealistic dreams.
Resolution for 2011
- Save at least $400 a month. As I grow older, I realise the importance of savings. When things happen, at least there is money to support you if everybody else doesn't. This is how sad the world is.
- Continue learning. Learn what? I don't know. But I know my passion for learning has yet to die down. I am thinking, after I am done with my studies, I will go and learn how to do nail extension. You know, in case I refuse to work in the future, at least I can help people do nails. HAHA. And after I am done with my nails, I will go get my masters. Once I am done with that, I would like to go take a course on psychology. How fun it is to decipher human's body language!
- Gain a healthier lifestyle. I have already started on that. Been eating less carbo, drinking more water. Ah Mu Mu's brother told me to drink a huge cup of warm water when I wake up and I did that. It had helped with my bowel movement and it seems that I have lost weight. I will be taking up pilates classes. But I guess this will have to wait until when I am not so busy with school.
- Last but not least, be more punctual for work. Sigh. Sucha tough thing to do.
****
Oh my god. I need to ramble. You know Strait Times is having so many advertisements that are pissing me off? I am always in a rush in a morning and sometimes I will just flip through the papers or just look at the front page for the main headline. But now, THERE ARE HUGE ASS ADVERTISEMENTS COVERNG THE FRONT PAGE! FML! How annoying is that! I just want to take a glimpse without having to flip and now I can't! Damnit! Totally turn off so I stop reading Strait Times. Thank god there is channelnewsasia.com. HAHA!
Love to all my friends!
1/22/2011 03:19:00 pm
Can't wait for this year to be over!
Oh wow! My last post was more than one month ago! I think I should really start picking up blogging again. But I hate it when I have to think of stuff to write. But anyhoooosss..
For the past one month, many things have happened, good or bad. Let's see what are the major things.
Birthday
It's my birthday on 8th Nov! As usual had dinners with my lovely friends, went on a casino cruise with Ah Mu Mu, received an awesome bag and a very cute card from best friend. *Mwahs*
Confirmation
I am off my probation period! Dream come true for 2 months probation! Plus I get bonus! Yippie! But I was just told to not have high expectations for bonus.
Ink
Finally got my very first ink. My name 'Wen' in white ink on my wrist. It's now flaking so it looks kinda gross. Can't wait for the next touch up.
Renovation
My house went for HDB upgrade so my house is in an absolute mess right now. There is no heater no proper toilet. I am so going to die. I've been going over to Ah Mu Mu place to shower before going home. So I've been going home bare-faced.
Unhappiness
Had a major argument with my mum. And after this incident, I have learned how to think for myself more and just fuck everything else. I guess this wound will never heal. It hurts so much. I've never cried so hard before.
So as of now, life goes on as it is. The next upcoming event would be Christmas and I can't wait to spend it with Ah Mu Mu and my dear friends.
Work hard and play hard!
My very gross ink right after it is done.
For the past one month, many things have happened, good or bad. Let's see what are the major things.
Birthday
It's my birthday on 8th Nov! As usual had dinners with my lovely friends, went on a casino cruise with Ah Mu Mu, received an awesome bag and a very cute card from best friend. *Mwahs*
Confirmation
I am off my probation period! Dream come true for 2 months probation! Plus I get bonus! Yippie! But I was just told to not have high expectations for bonus.
Ink
Finally got my very first ink. My name 'Wen' in white ink on my wrist. It's now flaking so it looks kinda gross. Can't wait for the next touch up.
Renovation
My house went for HDB upgrade so my house is in an absolute mess right now. There is no heater no proper toilet. I am so going to die. I've been going over to Ah Mu Mu place to shower before going home. So I've been going home bare-faced.
Unhappiness
Had a major argument with my mum. And after this incident, I have learned how to think for myself more and just fuck everything else. I guess this wound will never heal. It hurts so much. I've never cried so hard before.
So as of now, life goes on as it is. The next upcoming event would be Christmas and I can't wait to spend it with Ah Mu Mu and my dear friends.
Work hard and play hard!
My very gross ink right after it is done.
12/10/2010 12:12:00 pm
I hate myself
Sometimes I really hate myself for being so angsty, insistent or even stubborn you may call it.
I can't help me. I really can't. It is just things that I feel that it is significant to me, but insignificant to others. I feel people do not understand the reason why things happen. How it will affect the future, the people whom I love and myself.
Does that make me sound like a fucking whiny bitch who always takes things so hard?
No, I feel that I am just thinking ahead, to prevent things which I foresee happening, and usually it happens. If I do not prevent it.
Then, I'll fuck myself in my head on why I had allow it to happen. Why do I not try harder to prevent it?
Is it me trying too hard in everything, to make it work to make it right. Then, it gets on the nerves of other people?
I hate to regret, I refuse to regret. Regret is one fucking word that I do not allow to eat me up. Because I always believe in life goes on. One day, if I regret something, I know I'll fuck myself in my own head all overall.
Of course there are always things we can't control. But as much as I can, I would want to control. But I know there are limit to my capabilities. And if I know I have tried my best to control and yet things happen, I know, I will not regret.
Why can't people understand? Or maybe I should understand them? If it is so easy, so clear, this world wouldn't even be a world.
Perhaps, I should let myself float, and let the current take me to wherever they go.
Fuck. I hate myself much.
I can't help me. I really can't. It is just things that I feel that it is significant to me, but insignificant to others. I feel people do not understand the reason why things happen. How it will affect the future, the people whom I love and myself.
Does that make me sound like a fucking whiny bitch who always takes things so hard?
No, I feel that I am just thinking ahead, to prevent things which I foresee happening, and usually it happens. If I do not prevent it.
Then, I'll fuck myself in my head on why I had allow it to happen. Why do I not try harder to prevent it?
Is it me trying too hard in everything, to make it work to make it right. Then, it gets on the nerves of other people?
I hate to regret, I refuse to regret. Regret is one fucking word that I do not allow to eat me up. Because I always believe in life goes on. One day, if I regret something, I know I'll fuck myself in my own head all overall.
Of course there are always things we can't control. But as much as I can, I would want to control. But I know there are limit to my capabilities. And if I know I have tried my best to control and yet things happen, I know, I will not regret.
Why can't people understand? Or maybe I should understand them? If it is so easy, so clear, this world wouldn't even be a world.
Perhaps, I should let myself float, and let the current take me to wherever they go.
Fuck. I hate myself much.
11/05/2010 12:15:00 am
Hey Shawty... its MY birthday!
I just realized that my birthday is exactly one week away! Good thing is that I will have a long weekend! But I'll be at work on the actual day because I am still under probation.
They say, once a person is over 21 years old, time will whiz past at almost the speed of light. Ok la, exaggerating, but still it would mean that I am getting older, so much things that I can do and cannot do. So much things that I will have to deal with.
When come to think about time, I grow older, so will the people around me. Which would also mean that people around me will be gone quicker, or may I will be gone before them. Then, I think about my mum, my dad, my grandparents. It will come to a point of time which I will have to deal with death. Not too sure how am I gonna deal with it, but I know I have to. Never like death. So emo. =(
Back to my birthday, can I have a wish list pretty please????
It is in the order of what I want most. Nothing over top. HEHE!
1) Panasonic Lumix LX5
2) A better pillow for my ever so problematic neck.
3) A room revamped
4) A Polaroid camera? But I do not want so bulky one
5) Ink
6) .... can't think of any right now.
Will update again soon!
They say, once a person is over 21 years old, time will whiz past at almost the speed of light. Ok la, exaggerating, but still it would mean that I am getting older, so much things that I can do and cannot do. So much things that I will have to deal with.
When come to think about time, I grow older, so will the people around me. Which would also mean that people around me will be gone quicker, or may I will be gone before them. Then, I think about my mum, my dad, my grandparents. It will come to a point of time which I will have to deal with death. Not too sure how am I gonna deal with it, but I know I have to. Never like death. So emo. =(
Back to my birthday, can I have a wish list pretty please????
It is in the order of what I want most. Nothing over top. HEHE!
1) Panasonic Lumix LX5
2) A better pillow for my ever so problematic neck.
3) A room revamped
4) A Polaroid camera? But I do not want so bulky one
5) Ink
6) .... can't think of any right now.
Will update again soon!
11/01/2010 11:34:00 am